Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
