Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Your penis caused this!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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