apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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