I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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