Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
