i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
