I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
