I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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