the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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