You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
