saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
