My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
