Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
