i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
