dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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