Already got asked if we're dating
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
