after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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