Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
