Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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