Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
