I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
