I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
