Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
