Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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