I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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