Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
