and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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