I cockslap morals
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
