Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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