Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize