My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
