is your mom at the bar?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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