I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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