come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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