My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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