so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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