I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
