That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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