My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
