Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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