i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
