Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
