Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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