just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
