My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
