she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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