I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
