u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
