Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
