I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
