I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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