So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
