I'm gonna have a badass scar
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
