Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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