Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
