Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
