He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
