nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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