Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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